Preventing Parental Burnout & Fostering Resilience

Causes of parental feelings of burning out 

Parental feelings of burnout or living with less joy than before diminished quality of life typically start to develop when there are too much stress and not enough support to cope with it. Burnt out parents experience emotional exhaustion and reduced patience, which negatively affects their parenting effectiveness. Parents who aim to be the perfect parent, with high expectations on themselves and their children are at the greatest risk of feeling that they are burning out. 

Other risk factors that can lead to burn out include: 

• Not having good stress management strategies in place or struggle to manage your own emotions. 
• Families that have children with additional   needs or other family members who need support e.g. elderly grandparents, that impact on family life, stretch time and resources even further 
• Financial worries social isolation or not having many practical and emotional supports. 
• Currently experiencing mental health issues or having a history of mental health challenges.  

Understanding parental burnout symptoms

Emotional symptoms

Feelings of burnout develop over time, but parents can initially have a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion. This may look different depending on the age of the children, with parents of young children more likely to be physically tired compared to those with adolescents who may experience more emotional exhaustion. 

Common symptoms include: 

• You don’t want to spend as much time with your children to eke out energy levels. 
• Emotional distancing – you may notice you don’t have the same level of enjoyment when spending time with your children and even  feel a loss of empathy or enjoyment  in your parenting role. This emotional distance can impact your capacity to parent the way that you would like to. 
• Feeling like you are no longer being the parent that they would like to be. 

Cognitive symptoms

Over time if nothing changes  and feelings of burnout worsen, depression-like symptoms may emerge. These include: 

• Difficulty concentrating and memory problems e.g. not being able to concentrate enough to watch a TV show that you would have previously enjoyed, forgetting to do chores that need to be done, forgetting conversations. 
• It feels hard to make simple decisions e.g. what to have for dinner, what to wear today. 
• Your thoughts are going round in circles and worrying about things that previously wouldn’t worry you. 
• Noticing negative thoughts about yourself or the way you are parenting. 
• You may start feeling trapped. 

Prolonging these symptoms can lead to more severe consequences, including thoughts of wanting to escape of even not wanting to be here anymore, you may feel that you do not want to look after or are angry towards your children. If you notice any of these symptoms it is important to seek help as early as you can. Call the ForWhen helpline on [1300 24 23 22 to speak to  one of our friendly team ho will connect you to the right support for you. 

Please Note: If you are feeling suicidal and don’t feel you can keep yourself safe, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000 for an Ambulance. 

Behavioural symptoms

Ongoing feelings of burnout and chronic stress can lead to changes in key behaviours, including: 

• Changes in your sleeping patterns – this may look like not being able to get to sleep even if you feel tired, not being able to stay asleep or taking a long time to get back off to sleep. It is common to try and stay “on top of everything” by completing housework, chores etc when your children are in bed, however this limits your time to rest which impacts even more on your sleep and ability to function the next day. 
• Changes in eating habits – eating too much, not eating enough or surviving on the scraps of what your children do not eat. 
• Social withdrawal or isolation – e.g. noticing that it has become a big effort to find the energy to leave the home or avoiding social situations that you used to attend. 

Physical symptoms

• Feelings of exhaustion – you may feel heavy, a lack of energy, slow movements, all of which can impact your overall well-being 
• Feeling worn out and depleted 
• Upset stomach or lack of appetite 
• More prone to illness e.g. common colds 

Impact of parental burnout on children

When you are struggling to look after yourself it can feel very hard to look after someone else, especially a young child that requires you to be highly responsive and engaged.  

Children are hard-wired to try to be engaged ith their caregiver, so  when a parent isn finding it difficult to stay present with their child over a long period, the child tries all sorts of things to keep themselves visible and sometimes this can seem like they are being  ‘naughty’ or withdrawn. 

When we are under stress, we can often take this out on the people closest to us, causing increased conflict and increased feelings of tension within our relationships. It is also common to find it difficult to see someone else’s point of view when you are struggling. In turn, this can increase the stress and decrease the emotional support that you receive. 

In prolonged and severe cases there is a potential for longer-term effects on child development, and this is a good reason to ask for help. If you are worried you may be experiencing burnout, call the ForWhen helpline on 1300 24 23 22. We’ll connect you to the right local mental health support for your needs. 

Prevention & coping strategies 

Support networks

Some people find that they lack a “village” for support with the tough job of bring up children. This can make becoming a parent, an already challenging and isolating time, even more difficult. However, this is a time when reaching out to family, friends or parenting groups can be a real help. 

Self-care

As a new parent, it’s common to neglect your own needs and put your baby first. However, just like you’re told on a plane, you need to put your mask on first before you can help others. To prevent burnout and improve your day-to-day life, we recommend regularly practicing self-care and stress reduction techniques. 

It’s important to remember, small self-care steps can make a big difference. Self-care may look very different now as it did pre-baby, it could be as simple getting someone to care for the baby while you take a  a warm shower or enjoy a cup of (warm!) tea. It’s not necessarily about how long you get, but more so knowing you have that time to yourself coming. 

Self-compassion

If you start to feel that you are beginning to experience burnout, it can be really hard to feel self-compassion. Ask yourself what advice you would give a good friend if they were feeling like you, and you may find that you are able to allow a bit more kindness towards yourself It can sound like a small thing to do but imagine not putting yourself under pressure to do all the things that you “should” and how much less stress you could feel. 

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a great “reset” tool to pause and pay attention to the present without judgement. Research highlights the benefits of mindfulness, showing how it helps individuals notice what is going on inside them, what is happening around them, and take a moment to stop and breathe and to make room for difficult feelings.  

Why do we think that some feelings are better than others and others are wrong or bad? There is no good or bad, feelings are just feelings. Feeling angry or sad is ok, we can make space for these feelings, accept that this is how you are feeling today, and notice that this feeling will change or pass over the day. 

Remember “thoughts are not facts” – our brains are brilliantly designed as problem solving tools, anticipating any dangers and planning accordingly. For the most part this is incredibly helpful in managing our busy lives, until we believe everything it tells us. Has your mind ever told you, “You could be a better mother”, “my baby will get sick if I don’t look after it properly or worse”? 

Of course, some thoughts have a grain of truth, but the reality is, our brains are planning for the worst-case scenario, and we can learn to distance ourselves from these unhelpful thoughts. Perhaps saying to yourself “thanks for that brain” can be a useful strategy to give some space between the thought and you, reminding yourself that not everything our brain tells us is the whole truth. 

Sensory modulation techniques

Using our senses are a great way to manage emotions. You do not have to argue with your brain about right or wrong, good or bad, or wrestle trying to change these thoughts, they can just be. Everyone will find different things work best for them and a bit of trial and error may be involved but think about what sense you tend to have used in the past – exercise, smells, fiddling with objects and try to use them when beginning to feel overwhelmed.  

Your body will naturally reduce its stress level  when you use  deep pressure (weighted blankets, the family pet, a bear hug, wrapping yourself in a blanket), rhythmical movements such as walking or rocking or using the big muscles in your body (doing yoga or using exercise bands to push or pull). Bring your attention to how your body is feeling when you do this and notice any changes over a minute or so, if it feels good, do more.  If it makes no difference or does not feel-good, try something else. 

As much as you need to reduce your arousal levels for yourself. This can also be helpful for everyone around you. Have strategies that you know help your children to down regulate emotions, which can be going for a walk outside (babies love being outside), jump on a trampoline (for older children) or have a quiet activity that they enjoy ready for such occasions. 

It can take some planning in advance but having ideas stored away means you don’t have to think on the spur of the moment. Sensory  techniques benefit both parents and children by reducing stress and promoting emotional well-being for everyone involved. 

Planning

When life is becoming chaotic and exhausting, managing everything that has to be done can be particularly challenging. Having a planner on the go can help provide some structure to your week. You may like to spread out the chores for the week and do one activity each day out of the house (that hopefully meets your need for social connection). 

Realistic expectations

When you are feeling like you are burning out, it is really important to set realistic expectations. This often means using your skills in self-compassion and prioritising what has to be done,  it is OK to put the non-essential jobs off until another day. 

Good nutrition

Good nutrition can be hard to achieve when you are already feeling tired and worn out, but we do know that eating a healthier diet helps with our overall mood. The World Health Organization emphasises the importance of nutrition in maintaining good health and preventing conditions like burnout. Having healthy snacks like a banana or pre-cut carrot or cucumber sticks can help, as can planning meals in advance. 

It’s important to know feelings of burnout are common amongst parents. However, if these strategies aren’t improving your burnout symptoms, it is important to seek professional help when necessary. 

Seeking professional help

Juggling parenthood can be exhausting, but if you notice these feelings and thoughts are all-consuming, it is time to seek further professional support. An assessment can help identify the symptoms and stages of burnout, such as emotional exhaustion and feelings of detachment from parenting responsibilities. 

It is particularly important to reach out to your GP or other mental health professional if you notice your mood is down for more than two weeks, your anxiety is stopping you from going outside the house or doing things you need to do, you have feelings of guilt or hopelessness, or thoughts of suicide, self-harm or harming your baby. 

There are some excellent evidence-based psychological therapies that can help manage the symptoms of burnout. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are among the most common. Some of these are available as online resources and self-help books which use these therapies to help you put strategies in place, but psychologists and counsellors can also help to get you started on the right track. 

In some cases, feelings of burnout can lead into a possible depression or anxiety disorder, so your GP may discuss the use of medication to help you before you feel able to use psychological therapeutic strategies. 

If your feelings of burnout have had an impact on your relationship with your partner and communication has become difficult, it can also be useful to access relationship counselling to work through these issues with the support of a professional. 

With so much support out there, we understand sometimes it can be overwhelming to try and find the right place to get help. The ForWhen helpline 1300 24 23 22] is a great place to start. We’re a national navigation service that is here to listen to you, understand how you’re feeling and connect you to the right local supports that best match your needs. 

Feelings of parental burnout are common and can be overcome

As a parent, often you are so focused on the needs of your children that you neglect your own. It can be hard to recognize when you are heading towards  parental burnout, as it can creep up on you through the day-to-day demands of parenting. It is often not until someone else notices you’re not your usual self or seem to be struggling that you get a wake-up call. 

Once you recognise you are experiencing symptoms of burnout it is important to implement some strategies so that things don’t continue to get worse: 

• Self-awareness and self-compassion – by learning ways of being kind to ourselves we can significantly reduce the stress. 

• Ask for help when needed – we are not designed to bring up children in isolation; we need to ask for help before things get out of hand. People like to be asked, but often don’t know what they can do, so try to be specific e.g. come round and put a load of washing on for us, hold the baby while you clean the bathroom. If you do not have much of a village around you, reach out to see what volunteer services or groups are close by who may be able to provide support.  

• Seek professional support – call the ForWhen helpline on 1300 24 23 22 to get connected with local support services.