Erica had waited a long time for her second baby.
After taking around 10 months to conceive, her pregnancy brought its own uncertainty. There were concerns about her baby’s health, repeated scans and weeks of worrying about what the future might hold.
Eventually, Erica was reassured that some of the most serious concerns hadn’t eventuated.
She hoped the hardest part was behind them.
Then her son Joey was born.
Within his first few weeks of life, everything changed.
“It was the worst time of my life”
Joey had several hospital admissions soon after birth.
Then, at around two weeks old, he developed a fever.
Erica and her husband took him back to hospital, where he was eventually diagnosed with meningitis.
What followed were weeks in hospital, including multiple procedures and isolation.
Erica stayed with Joey during the week while her husband took over on weekends.
At home was their three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who couldn’t understand why her mum and dad were suddenly spending so much time away.
“She thought we had abandoned her,” Erica remembers.
Once, driving past the hospital, her daughter told a family member, “My mummy lives there.”
For Erica, the guilt was enormous.
She had spent months desperately wanting another baby. Now that baby was seriously ill, she was separated from her daughter and the life she knew had disappeared.
“It was the worst time of my life,” she says.
Feelings she was afraid to say out loud
As the hospital stay continued, Erica noticed another emotion growing.
Resentment.
“I had a lot of resentment for my baby,” she says.
That was difficult to reconcile with how desperately she had wanted him.
“I wanted this baby so much.”
At times, Erica also experienced frightening intrusive thoughts.
She didn’t want to hurt her baby and didn’t believe she was going to act on the thoughts, but their presence frightened her.
Her own childhood experiences added another layer to that fear. Having grown up in foster care, Erica worried that if she told a professional everything going through her mind, someone might decide she wasn’t a safe parent.
“What if I tell her something and she goes, ‘Oh, she’s dangerous’?” Erica remembers thinking.
So even though she desperately needed somewhere to put everything she was feeling, talking openly wasn’t easy.
Taking a chance on ForWhen
While Joey was in hospital, a social worker began visiting Erica.
Erica told her about the resentment she was experiencing and how difficult everything had become.
The social worker suggested she contact ForWhen.
Initially, Erica hesitated.
Past experiences had left her wary of counselling and psychological support. The social worker encouraged her to think about it and checked in again.
Eventually Erica decided there was little to lose by making the call.
She spoke with a ForWhen Navigator and, for the first time, allowed herself to say what she was really feeling.
For Erica, being able to speak openly to someone outside her everyday life made a difference.
“I can just really tell you how I feel,” she says.
There was no need to pretend that everything was okay.
She could talk about the resentment. The exhaustion. The fear. The thoughts she didn’t want to be having.
And she felt heard.
“It will be over eventually”
Erica didn’t need someone to fix everything that was happening.
Joey was still in hospital. Her daughter was still at home. There were still long days ahead.
What she needed in that moment was someone who could listen without judgement and help her see beyond the four walls of the hospital room.
Her ForWhen Navigator reminded her that this period wouldn’t last forever.
“You just need to realise that it will come to an end. It will be over eventually,” Erica remembers.
When you’re living day by day in hospital, that can be difficult to imagine.
“Weeks feel like years when you’re stuck in four walls,” she says.
But Erica held onto the idea.
There would be an end.
She would get through it.
She would take her baby home.
“I actually felt a lot better,” Erica says of that conversation.
Not long afterwards, another small moment gave her hope.
Joey smiled at her.
“I was like, so it is all going to be okay.”
Why Erica is telling her story
For Erica, one conversation with ForWhen was what she needed at that moment.
She didn’t go on to access ongoing support through the service. What mattered was having a safe place where she could say the difficult things out loud and be heard.
Looking back, she believes that conversation helped her get through an extraordinarily difficult period.
“She helped me get through it by reminding me that I will get through it and I will get home.”
The experience also changed how Erica feels about talking about mental health.
Despite previous negative experiences with professionals, her conversations with the hospital social worker and ForWhen showed her that she could speak openly about what she had experienced.
Now she wants other parents to know they can too.
“I know how it feels at that time to be like, ‘No one knows. No one knows how I feel. I’m here all alone.’”
Erica knows that making the call can feel scary.
But she wants another parent sitting with frightening thoughts, resentment, anxiety or feelings they don’t understand to know that those feelings can be spoken about.
“I just want people to know that even though it’s scary and you think, ‘I don’t want to do it,’ it might actually be worth it.”
Sometimes reaching out isn’t about having someone solve everything.
Sometimes it’s having one safe conversation where you can finally say what you’re really feeling.
For Erica, that conversation helped her believe that there was another side to what she was going through—and that she and Joey would eventually make it home.
